"Be patient in afflictions..." (D&C 31:9)

It has been a year now since I was diagnosed with Complex Regional Pain Syndrome (or CRPS). This has been a "tribulation" that has really tested me, and continues to do so. It is very painful, limits my activity, and there is no cure. It can go into remission (I continue to hope that it will), but after having a spinal stimulator implant and having only some relief (still, it is some), I am at a point where I must begin to acknowledge the possibility that this could be a permanent condition and this could be my life! I will be honest, I have gone through such a wide range of emotions and thoughts that I have not always been the best person to be around as I have had to endure this "affliction". (Bless my family! They are the ones who have to endure me).

And so, the other day in my scripture study, I was desperate for answers. I want this to GO AWAY! I want to be able to walk again, to wear shoes and socks and not just a pair of sandals (at least I can wear a sandal). I would love to be able to ride my trike again...but all of these may never happen...(I am not ready to give up hope, but it sure is hard some days). As I pondered what to do, how to have a good attitude for the day, my scriptures were open, and I looked at them. This phrase jumped out at me: "Be patient in afflictions..." (D&C 31:9). Right.

And so, I followed the footnote. Romans 12:12: "Rejoicing in hope; patient in tribulation..." Again, the word patient... combined with rejoicing?! The definition of patient is: "bearing provocation, annoyance, misfortune, delay, hardship, pain, etc. with fortitude and calm and without complaint, anger, or the like" (patient). Holy cow! I have not been the best at being patient at all...my calmness is lacking, leaning more on the lines of anger. Definitely in need of patience.

As I have pondered this definition over and over, I realize that having CRPS is not about pain, but about patience. Patience is what I can choose to focus on as I endure this "affliction". Can I just say that this is not how I envisioned learning "great patience" as I have been counseled to do?

Another scripture that has come to my mind these past couple of days: "...yea, the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord" (Mosiah 24:15). Being cheerful, well, I am working on that one, as I am learning that it really is a part of being patient in affliction. The only way I can imagine being cheerful as I endure is to "trust in the Lord" (see Proverbs 3:5-8). Trust Him that He will strengthen me that I can bear up this burden with ease. Trust Him that He really does want what is best for me and that everything will "work together" for my good (see D&C 98:3; D&C 100:15).

"For all things are for your sakes...but though our outward man perish, yet the inward man is renewed day by day. For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory; while we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen, for the things which are seen are temporal; but the things which are not seen are eternal" (2 Cor. 4:15-18). 

In my "light affliction, which is but a moment" (and some moments feel like an eternity) I am learning yet again, it is not what I can or cannot do physically that matters. For that is the thing that is seen. What really matters is being able to follow the example of our Savior, by being patient, by enduring all things. He calls, "Come, follow me" (Luke 18:22).

I won't pretend that this is easy, it is not. And I won't pretend that I don't wish, at times, that I could just...be done- but I am not. I have yet to learn how to be patient...the thing which is not seen, which is eternal.

This is a pretty good foot day...lots of sitting, just a little swelling, but the pain (grrr).
I really am learning patience...I'm just a slow learner.

"...The tender mercies of the Lord are over all those whom He hath chosen, because of their faith..." ( 1 Nephi 1:20)

Sometimes as a parent, or even as a human being, I feel like I am walking around in the wilderness. I know I am suppose to be a parent to the children I have, but there are times that it is so challenging and so frustrating and I really feel I have no idea what I am doing. There are also times when all I seem to do is murmur, murmur, murmur, or maybe I am just hitting my head against a brick wall, so to speak. That's not so good. So how can I handle it better? Don't know if I really handle it better, but at least I can feel like I am not wandering. Here are my thoughts.

Nephi talks about being in the wilderness (see 1 Nephi 17:1-2). Laman and Lemuel also talk about being in the wilderness (1 Nephi 17:20) and boy are their attitudes extremely different about the exact same experiences. I know that sometimes I murmur as I feel like I have "wandered in the wilderness these many years" (1 Nephi 17:20) of parenting and living...but in reality, I haven't been wandering. "I was [and continue to be] led by the Spirit, not knowing before hand the things which I should do" (1 Nephi 4:6). There is an element of faith in parenting and in living, even becoming a parent takes faith, especially in these days of not knowing before hand what to expect with all that is going to happen. Faith is in incredible power and we get to teach faith to our children and as we do so, we are lifted and strengthened. Elder Russel M. Nelson said, "Let [your children] feel your faith, even when sore trials come upon you. Let your faith be focused on our loving Heavenly Father and His Beloved Son, the Lord Jesus Christ. Teach that faith with deep conviction. Teach each precious boy or girl that he or she is a child of God, created in His image, with a sacred purpose and potential. Each is born with challenges to overcome and faith to be developed" (Face the Future with Faith).

Trials or afflictions come in all shapes and sizes. Nephi, a prophet, said this about afflictions, "...[I have] seen many afflictions in the course of my days, nevertheless,  [I have] been highly favored of the Lord in all my days; yea,  [I have] had a great knowledge of the goodness and the mysteries of God" (1 Nephi 1:1 italics added). Note the "nevertheless". He didn't focus on the afflictions. He had them, but, he saw them as blessings, not just as trials. He also said, "I, Nephi, will show unto you that the tender mercies of the Lord are over all those whom He hath chosen, because of their faith, to make them mighty even unto the power of deliverance" (1 Nephi 1:20). The tender mercies are over all of us when we seek the Lord. He is standing by to guide us and lead us through our "wilderness". We don't need to just wander about aimlessly wondering if we are doing any good or stay in pain or continue to do the same things and expect different results. When  there is a "mighty change in us, or in our hearts, that we have no more disposition to do evil, but to do good continually" (Mosiah 5:2) we will have a remarkable change take place. This change comes as we let our faith grow, and deepen in our Savior who is "mighty to save" (Isaiah 63:1, 2 Nephi 31:19, Alma 34:18).

Nephi's trials weren't trials of pain to him, but they became blessings. He recognized "the tender mercies of the Lord are over all those whom He hath chosen, because of their faith" ( 1 Nephi 1:20). The Lord's tender mercies are over all, not just parents. But all His children who choose to exercise faith in Him. Christ wants, in fact, He is waiting to bless us. He says, "Whatsoever thing ye shall ask the Father in my name, which is good, in faith believing that ye shall receive, behold, it shall be done unto you" (Moroni 7:26). And about our trials and afflictions He says, "...All things wherewith you have been afflicted shall work together for your good" (D&C 98:3). He's not going to let our challenges go to waste, but we might...we might if we turn away from God and murmur and complain and whine and become bitter.

But we don't need to become bitter. The joy is real. The joy is that there really is a Savior. We don't have to wander in the "wilderness" for nothing. "Have faith, have hope, live like His Son, help others on their way" (He Sent His Son, #34). The wilderness is but a testing ground for us to learn to listen to His voice, to recognize when He is calling to us (see D&C 88:66). He is calling us, "Come, follow me" (Luke 18:22) because He is the Light in the wilderness. He will lead us along. We need not fear or stay stuck where we are, or even keep murmuring, because those trials really are blessings in disguise. This I testify.