"...I know in whom I have trusted" (2 Nephi 4:19)

I have always known that my parents age, but in my mind they have always been really young. So, when ill health or problems have come their way, it has been a bit difficult for me emotionally to watch them deal with pain, suffering, and major trauma to their bodies- most recently, my mother. I have had many opportunities to serve her daily. I keep thinking that I am suppose to feel joy when I am serving others, at least that is what I have been told. What I have been shocked at is the darkness and great feelings of oppression and desperation that have seemed to over take my thoughts and mind. This is not at all what getting older is suppose to be like- let alone the experience of being a caregiver. I now realize that most of these things- death, illness, mental health or physical health of a an aging parent, are not talked about in casual conversation. These feelings of darkness have been overwhelming at times...but I keep moving forward.

Today, as I have sought for answers in the scriptures, I read in D&C 4:2, "Therefore, O ye that embark in the service of God, see that ye serve Him with all your heart, might, mind and strength, that ye may stand blameless before God at the last day". I thought, I am serving Him by serving my mother (see Mosiah 2:17) with all my heart, might, mind and strength, to the point of exhaustion. So, why am I so sad? Well, service isn't always easy. Sometimes it does push us to the breaking point. Paul said of his trials of serving: "Serving the Lord with all humility of mind, and with many tears, and temptations" (Acts 20:19). He served with tears and with temptations due to "lying in wait of the Jews". It wasn't all cake and ice cream. It was difficult, and hard, and trying. 

I keep wanting to rejoice in the opportunity to serve my mother. It has been wonderful to spend time with her and talk and share special moments. I can relate to Nephi when he says, "Neverthless, notwithstanding the great goodness of the Lord, in showing me His great and marvelous works, my heart exclaimeth: O wretched man that I am! Yea, my heart sorroweth because of my flesh; my soul grieveth because of mine iniquities...And when I desire to rejoice, my heart groaneth because of my sins; nevertheless, I know in whom I have trusted" (2 Nephi 4:17,19). The drowning feelings come and go, but I know I will be okay because I do know in whom I have trusted. "My God hath been my support; He hath led me through mine afflictions in the wilderness..." (2 Nephi 4:20).

God does lead us through our afflictions, through the wilderness of life. Aging is a part of this life. Many of us get to have the full experience of aging and all the trials and tribulations that come with it. Being a caregiver or the one being cared for, neither is an easy role, but there is peace that comes when we "know in whom [we] have trusted".

My sweet mother with her brother and his wife. Love these people!