I am the true light that lighteth every man that cometh into the world; (D&C 93:2)

Sometimes I get so grouchy and grumpy. My poor family gets the brunt of it, of course. I put on a happy face for the public and then hide in the safety of my home, a place of refuge and honestly, my true identity. I hope that I am able to also let my family know I appreciate how much they mean to me...especially when it comes to letting me be me. I am not always the most pleasant person to be around, tired and hungry aren't a great combination with me (they can testify of that), especially on long trips. Also, after a day when past terrors are hashed over and over, unbeknownst by well meaning people who just want to share their own experiences or stories of their own terrors with bad dragons in their own lives. On days like today, I became the ogre that should have just stayed in her cave and never came out. But I came out anyway. (Good thing I didn't have a head ache to go with it.)

It's on days like today that I really fight the darkness. I don't like darkness. It can be so black. So, on days like today I look for Light. It is always there. Some days, I just have to look a little closer, or take a little more time to SEE. Seeing in the dark is difficult when I put blinders on by my own anger or my own self pity. (Man, can pity really get me sometimes....and then the crying starts, I am not such a pretty sight.)

Okay...I need to find Light. Here is my Light list for today. Jeffrey- the love of my life. He is funny, honest, ever so patient with me and my mood swings. I am so grateful that I have him as a source of Light. He is more than I ever dreamed of in a husband, best friend, and lover. He is fabulous (understatement)! My children- I could name them one by one, but I won't, simply for privacy sake. Each of them help lift me and teach me. I learn as I go as a parent and I am ever so grateful they are so forgiving. They Light up my day with good news, stories of things that have happened, and mostly themselves. They are true blessings in my life! Scriptures- I have to list them because without them...I honestly don't know where I would be. I constantly find Light in them every time I read. They are life blood for me. They bring me peace, insight, a calmness that can't be described, and a communication with God that is honest and open. I love the scriptures! My family and friends-I am truly blessed to be surrounded by Light from these precious souls. I am so grateful that I have them in my life. They have saved mine many a time, definitely unbeknownst to them. I am grateful for the Light of those who choose to not only listen to the Spirit, but also to act upon the prompting given to them to call, or email me or some small act of service, such as sharing a thought they have read in a book or just saying, “Hi, how are you doing” and sincerely meaning it. Honestly, "by small and simple things are great things brought to pass." Alma 37:6.

I may be grouchy and a bit (okay, really) annoyed tonight, but I am so grateful for all the Light in my life! What an incredible life I have. I guess it is normal to have a bad day every once in a while...or perhaps more than that. But it doesn't mean I have to focus on the dark. Nope. I will focus on the Light. Christ said, "The light shineth in darkness, and the darkness comprehendeth it not; nevertheless, the day shall come when you shall comprehend even God, being quickened in him and by him. Then shall ye know that ye have seen me, that I am, and that I am the true light that is in you, and that you are in me; otherwise ye could not abound" D&C 88:49-50. Christ is the Light that is all of us. I will keep looking for that light that shines in the darkness. It lights up my day...even on the darkest of days (those are hard days and I would prefer to not have them, but I don't always get my way.) Aside from the dark days...life really is good, and that would be most of the time. This I testify.

Quote from: Thomas S. Monson

 "'The Savior said:' 'A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another. . . .' 'By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another' John 13:34–35.'Mother Teresa, a Catholic nun who worked among the poor in India most of her life, spoke this truth: 'If you judge people, you have no time to love them.' '

Thomas S. Monson, 'May You Have Courage,' Ensign, May 2009, 124"

"But I say unto you, Love your enemies..." Matt. 5:44; 3 Nephi 12:44

As my son has been teased a lot (way too much in my opinion) I have had the opportunity to teach him how to deal with being teased. I have also had ample time to ponder what is the best way to handle being teased or in today’s world, being verbally "bullied." I know it comes back to Christ. Utlimately everything comes back to Christ. He has given us the tools, the example, and the way to deal with everything in our lives. It isn’t necessarily the easiest or the coolest, or the world’s way of dealing with things. But it is the best way of dealing with things.

Truly Christ did give us the best way of dealing with bullies. We call it the “golden rule” in our home. How we say it is, “treat others how you want to be treated”. When Christ came the people were living the law of Israel which was “an eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth” Leviticus 4:20 Matt. 5:38 .But He taught them to live a higher law, saying, “…but whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also…” Matt. 5:38-39 3 Nephi 12:39. This is really hard to tell my child who is being made fun of, let them call you names, for names don’t matter. How do I get him to ignore and not react when these children make fun of him? I think it is vital for my son to learn that there are going to be mean people throughout his life, not just in school, because even as an adult I get made fun of at times, flipped off in a car, or yelled at for my religious or political points of view, especially if I stand up for what I believe in.  He has to learn to ignore the mean people, and not get angry with them, basically , “sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me”, concept. Dealing with mean people with anger can lead to violence, poor choices and poor self-esteem. I want my children to have Christ-esteem, which means to trust in the Lord. Self-esteem implies relying on oneself. What a great thing to have my child be filled with Christ-esteem! To have their identity centered in Christ. Now that is a steadfast place to be anchored Ether 12:4.

The Lord continues with His teaching, “Ye have heard that it has been said, Thou shalt love thy neighbor, and hate thine enemy. But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you and persecute you” Matt. 5:43-44 3 Nephi 12:43-44. What an incredible concept! To love those who are my enemies. To do good to those who hate me. To pray for those who despitefully use me and persecute me. Sometimes Most of the time, I have to admit, this is SO hard! But it is amazing what it does for me when I do it. It changes me. It’s not really about what it does for my enemies. But it is about what it does for me… to me. Christ is giving me an opportunity to change, to be changed through my experiences. He finishes by saying, “For if ye love them which love you, what reward have ye?” Matt. 5:46 My reward comes through loving my enemies. My reward is that I am changed..."That ye may be the children of your Father which is in Heaven..." Matt. 5:45. If I say I believe in Christ then I need to follow Him, do as He did, act as He acted, even when it doesn't seem like it is right, at least not right in terms of how the world thinks. "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts" Isaiah 55:8-9.

As Easter was this past weekend, I have pondered the crucifixion of Christ and His resurrection. He was the perfect example of this very “golden rule” as He was tortured, spit upon, called names, made fun of, mocked, and betrayed. He didn’t lash out in anger even though He had the power to destroy every one of them. But more importantly He had the power to lift them in their lowest state as they did such acts of shame, to their Lord and Savior, whom they obviously knew not. Jesus Christ loved His enemies. He blessed them that cursed Him. He did good to those who hated Him (healing the ear of the servant of the high priest who had come to take Him to be tried, Luke 22:51 is just one example of this.) He even prayed for those who were despitefully using Him and persecuting Him as He hung on the cross saying,  "Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do" Luke 23:34 . He performed the perfect act for those who did wrong to Him that they might be resurrected some day through His grace and be able to stand before God the Father. He loved them enough to finish the greater task of giving them life. He is the example, the perfect example of how to handle a bully.

I pray I can teach my children this. I pray that I can have the faith to be changed, and help my children to be changed as well as they develop their own faith in Jesus Christ. For I know that He doesn't give us any commandments "save He shall prepare a for [us] that [we] may accomplish the the thing which he commandeth [us]" 1 Nephi 3:7. This I testify.

"...a time to weep..." (Eccl. 3:4)

As this has been a long two weeks of recovery from a surgery that has had a few complications, I finally broke down today in tears. Mostly tears of pain this morning. I have wanted to hold back on the crying because I have thought that crying wasn’t a good thing because it would give way to frustration and possibly a negative attitude towards healing. I have wanted to stay away from that as much as possible. So, when the pain was very intense this morning and a dear sister called and offered to bring dinner, I succumbed to tears. This made me think about tears and about crying and about weeping. There has got to be a purpose and a good one. I know it.

And there is. The story of Lazarus and his sisters tells a lot. It is in John 11: 1-46. Jesus is told that Lazarus, “He whom thou lovest is sick. When Jesus heard that, he said, This sickness is not unto death, but for the glory of God, the Son of God might be glorified thereby” vs. 3-4. So Jesus takes his time going to see Lazarus and Lazarus dies. When Jesus finally arrives he is met by Martha and Mary. He sees how sad they are. He asks where Lazarus has been laid. And “Jesus wept” vs.35. Jesus had compassion for them in their grief. He has the power to raise Lazarus from the dead. He could have responded and said to them, don’t cry. I can raise him up, watch me. But He didn’t. He wept with them. It was after He wept with them that He then asked “Martha, the sister of him that was dead” to take away the stone from the cave Lazarus was buried in. Martha responded, “Lord, by this time he stinketh: for he hath been dead four days” vs. 39. In His infinite compassion He brought forth Lazarus from the dead “that they may believe that thou has sent me” vs. 42. But first He wept with them.

As I try to put on a brave face and not cry, I realize that it is okay to weep. For there is a “time to weep” Eccl. 3:4. There is a time for everything. I can weep and it doesn’t mean I have a negative attitude. It just means I need to weep. And Christ will weep with me. I can be more compassionate in weeping with others, in weeping with my own children and in comforting them. Sometimes, we just need to weep to help ease our own and the burdens of others. In crying with others we can offer comfort, solace, and safety. It’s what the Master did and taught. It is okay to cry. This I testify.

"They that be whole need not a physician, but they that are sick." (Matt. 9:12)

I used to hate the word “repentance” only because I didn’t know what the true meaning of the word meant. I thought it meant being shamed into confessing a sin. Or feeling really bad about something and needing to be ashamed of myself for doing it. I really misunderstood this word. Because I had heard it so much and knew that it was important I decided I wanted to understand its true meaning. The Bible dictionary has a beautiful explanation that I refer to often. It states: “The Greek word of which this is the translation denotes a change of mind, i.e., a fresh view about God, about oneself, and about the world…repentance comes to mean a turning of the heart and will to God, and a renunciation of sin to which we are naturally inclined.” Bible Dictionary I can still remember reading this for the first time. It blew me away. It was so beautiful. “A turning of the heart and will to God”…I could do that and there was nothing shameful in those words or feelings at all. To renounce something is to reject or disown it. So, if I am to reject or disown something that is keeping me away from God, and have a “fresh view about God, about [myself], and about the world," and then "turn my heart and will to God,” that is repentance. Now, this is beautiful, and doable, and desirable!

As I have been dealing with an infection I have thought how sin is similar to having an infection. It can go undetected for a while. But eventually it will always catch up to you in one way or another. So, there has to be an antidote. And the antidote is an antibiotic. Well, the antibiotic for sin is repentance. And to get the prescription for this antibiotic we must go to a physician. Christ is the Physician. He can make us whole in our lives as we turn our hearts to Him. He says, “They that are whole have no need of the physician, but they that are sick: I came not to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance."  Mark 2:17 Are we not all sinners? Do we not all need the Physician?

I love the thought of Christ being the Master Healer, for He truly is. He knows exactly what we are suffering, in every aspect of our lives. He knows what antibiotics we need to take, with no worries of allergic reactions. “He [took] upon him [our] infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to [our] infirmities.” Alma 7:12 He knows.

I have come to love the word, the action, and the process of repentance. It is beautiful and wonderful to turn my heart, my mind, and my life to Christ. To “have a fresh view about God, about [myself], and about the world.” It feels so good to be made whole. This I testify.